When I was in graduate school my roommates and I were friends with a freshman boy who absolutely thought he was the same age we were. I was always accidentally offending him but noting his youth (and he was offending us left, right, and center by noting all kinds of things that ought not to be noted and offering us his unsolicited wisdom on what we should be doing to find ourselves spouses). One day we ran into one another on campus and talked for about half an hour before he realized what time it was and that he was supposed to be somewhere.
The Young ‘Un: Oh, man, I can’t believe I just wasted half an hour. I’ve gotta go.
MBC: You didn’t waste half an hour. You were having a conversation with me. That’s not a waste.
The Young ‘Un: Yes, it is. I’m not going to marry you.
At the time, I thought his comment was idiotic (not to mention rude). I still do, but now I realize that a lot of people think that way about conversation—that its purpose is to get something and if the conversation is simply conversation for its own sake, it’s worthless. I feel like I particularly bump up against this a lot because I’m single. Married men rarely speak to me outside of a professional capacity and single men (not that I run into many of them) most often talk to me (as far as I can tell) to determine whether or not they want to date me. A guy I went out with briefly in the fall turned up at church with his wife a few weeks ago. We were passing each other in the hall on Sunday so I smiled and said hi and he looked. away. He doesn’t want to date me anymore and we didn’t date long enough to become good friends, so he’s not going to talk to me at all. It’s a waste of time.
I’m not the kind of person who enjoys chatting with my hairdresser or making friendly small talk at the grocery store and when library patrons try to use my name and engage me in conversation, they usually get shut right down, but I do believe in conversation. I think one of the reasons I adore public radio is that so many of the programs I listen to are conversations between a host and subject and the point of listening is to understand someone or something better and to appreciate the experience of an individual and to recognize our shared humanity and all kinds of highfalutin idealistic junk that I absolutely believe in! I love that. I love good conversations with my friends and family. And occasionally I’m surprised by conversations with people I don’t know well but who take a brief interest in me and what I have to say with no expectation outside of that single interaction. They aren’t talking to me to assess my datability and they aren’t talking to me because they want anything from me. I truly find those conversations life-affirming. They make me feel connected to the world at large and I’m pleased that the conversation can exist for its own sake without an agenda.
I had one of these conversations yesterday. A co-worker asked me to speak to a man who was researching trends in young adult literature. I talked to him about books and then the conversation wandered off into other topics until he was getting my contact information to send me a copy of his screenplay. He’s at least a decade older than I am and he’s married with a child and I never expect to see him again or to be his friend, but I’m so grateful that he took an interest in what I had to say yesterday and had an interesting conversation with me.
I had a similar experience last year with a guy with whom I was casually acquainted. We found ourselves thrown together at an event and started a conversation that I still think of as that I one time I talked to Mike and had the most honest discussion of my life. A few days later Mike moved to Alaska but it doesn’t matter because we didn’t want anything from one another. I remember that experience so fondly.
I in no way want people to start attempting deep and meaningful conversations with me everywhere I go and I still plan to be hairdresser-conversation-resistant, but I think the art of conversation deserves a more honored place than it usually receives. Someone other than Ira Glass ought to regularly interest himself in the thoughts of the people around him.
4 comments:
I completely agree. In my case, conversation is being because of technology. And I hate it. It's why I rebel so much against texting. When I can see that others know how to carry on good, meaningful conversations, then maybe I'll consider sending an occasional, overly convenient-leading-to-complacency-in-a-world-already-full-of-it text message.
I don't have an agenda when I talk to people, or I don't have a political motivation (dating and marriage are closed avenues, after all). I used to avoid all new humans (I had a zero population growth policy towards admitting new friends), but have since changed my ways. I am more interested in the ways I am different than other people...or how they are different than me. I actually dislike talking with people with my views, that is rather dull. Of course I don't want to be stuck with my polar opposite either. Anyway, I would say I'm more interested in people than before...but that is something that seems to come with age and also becomes crazy frantic in older age. Think of all the elderly people who have wanted to talk to you. They are likely lonely, but also interested in getting outside of their own heads.
Heidi--I hear you on the technology thing.
James--I hadn't considered the age issue, but that's an interesting point. Possibly youth's general self-involvement extends to conversation.
You make me happy when I read your blog. I am most friendly to people I don't have to follow up with, according to a friend who maybe tells to much truth. Probably accurate.
Post a Comment