10 September 2007

Call Fox Network. I've Got a Winner!

Because I'm a city employee, I'm allowed to use the city gym (where the police officers and fire fighters train) for free. It's a pretty nice facility and sometimes I get to watch the police officers practice using tasers on one another. The only real drawback is that the police have TERRIBLE taste in television, and if they're already in the gym exercising when I come in, I have to watch COPS while I work out.

Now before I comment on COPS, let me just say that I appreciate the hard work of police departments across the country and I'm grateful that they do their jobs. Okay, PoliceBrother? Now then, the TV show COPS? TOTAL propaganda. I've been to Russian museums filled with Soviet propaganda from WWII, I've watched the 1950s hygiene videos (But Jimmy, if you don't wash your hands, the Communists have won already. In your HEART.), and I was raised by a mother who's an expert at brainwashing little children. I know my propaganda.

(This is actually a 1931 ad from the New York Times accessed through Ad*Access, but it feels like the 1950s hygiene films to me.)

The thing that really pushes COPS over the edge, propagandawise, is the narrator. He has a very grave voice like the narrators from National Geographic specials. There'll be some high speed chase and the police will pull over and arrest someone, and then the narrator says, "Finally, justice prevails! The criminal has no respect for the law, for fellow drivers, for the Constitution, for the American flag, for veterans of foreign wars, for the last unicorn on earth who he callously ran over with his truck, or for YOU viewers. He kicks puppies and tells old ladies their shoes are ugly. Fortunately, the quick-thinking Officer X, with his speed like a cheetah and wisdom like Yoda, gives that criminal just what he deserves. Now one more criminal is behind bars!"

A really great companion show to COPS would be LIBRARIANS. All the other helping professions have shows--doctors, lawyers, teachers, police officers. We could get the same narrator from COPS and he would say things like, "Another ignorant patron is enlightened thanks to the quick thinking of Librarian X with her snarky sense of humor and amazing research skills!"

You'd watch, right?


emily said...

I'd watch it for sure.
Your next assignment: Come up with a catchy tune, reminiscent of the "Bad Boys" song, to start the show!

MBC said...

Maybe we could speed up "Marian, the Librarian" and add electric guitars and accordians. Hmmm, will have to work on that one.

Anonymous said...

Well just so you know I can't watch cops either. First it is like you watching someone buy books and secondly because I spend most of my time saying, " What are you fools doing. That is a violation of his fourth amendment rights. Have your READ caselaw?" Additonally that narrator bugs me too.

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